Sunday, November 1, 2009

When relationships get unconnected...

I'd recently made a "new" friend. We've actually known each other casually for years but in the past couple of years we discovered a greater connection and more commonalities as we've been spending time together. Yet the last times we've had coffee I didn't feel as connected, like we'd popped back to the shallowness of surface stuff, no longer exploring deeper waters.

I don't know why.
And since I don't know why, I don't know what to do about it.

Everything seemed exactly as it'd been the many times we've met before. Always the same place, always the same order, and always, when it's available, the same booth. So what changed?

Sadly I find myself feeling the same way with the most intense, long-term, and important relationship in my life; with that of my God.

I'm not sure what happened.
At some point the continual conversation we engage in has fallen silent. I've realized that He's barely crossed my mind in recent days. Even my writings or should I say lack of writing reveal how still everything has become. Every ministry I've been involved in over the past many years has ended - I'm not singing, teaching, or planning. It's quiet.

On a Sunday morning now there is no baking of sweets for church and final review of lesson - instead there is coffee and deciding what church to attend. I look at a calender full of school events, not wondering where I'll fit in a woman's fellowship time. As I sang along with the radio with a creative harmony recently I remembered,"Oh yea, I can sing."

As I'm typing I see brilliant fall leaves outside my window. The trees are also in a time of transition as they've ceased the process of photosynthesis so there is no more production of chlorophyll to keep them green. I'm no longer so busy producing either. The trees are moving into their winter dormancy; am I as well? The time has come for them to rest and live off the food they've made in their productive season. Now that all the "noise" of busyness (even in the work of the Lord) has ceased I have quiet to focus on my own relationship with my Lord. Yet at this time of quiet I find myself unconnected.

I know there are some who would tell me that I need to go back and see what sin has severed my fellowship with the Savior, to examine my heart and see where I've left the paths of righteousness. Others might say that I need to just get busy about the work of the Lord again, find a church, plug in and everything will fall into place.

I don't think either of these are the answer. While it is good and right to gather together to worship the Lord, our own relationship with God should not be dependent on this gathering; after all this is a personal relationship. Working in ministry is also a great thing but God loves us because He chooses too and not because we earn His favor by our efforts, even if we think of ourselves more "worthy" when we're busy about His work.

So when, by no discernible reason, relationships get unconnected, what is the next step?

(No profound summations today my friends, only an honest question but I'd love to hear the answers you've found throughout your own life)

1 comment:

Erica said...

Becky - there seems to be constant connection between what you write and what is going on in my own life. I have felt disconnected and so far away from God for several months. I did go back and had to confess sin in my life, yet I still am struggling with the disconnectedness and longing to get back to that place of constant intimacy and conversation with Him. That distance from Him has affected other relationships as well...

I don't have a great answer to what to do, but I so relate with what you have said here, and I hope that someone who might have gone through and come out the other side will have something to shed light or hope on the ability to rebound from that.